What's the Story with L.H (Part 2)

Following my failed effort to produce a ‘proper’ book review for our esteemed editor, I decided to avoid him and lay low for a while. However last week as I was lazing about in the Central Leisure Centre he cornered me in the circular jacuzzi. I was impressed! “How did he do that?” I wondered to myself.
“Look here,” he said, “after your pathetic attempt at that book review, half the country thinks you are me, what with our initials being the same. I reckon you did that deliberately. Anyway, we need to clarify your gender.”
“Well,” I queried, rising Ursula Andress style from the bubbling waters in my itzy-bitzy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini, “just which part of my gender needs clarification exactly?”
“OK smartie,” he retorted, “just write the book review.”
I tried to feign tiredness, reeling off a list of excuses as long as my arm, but he wasn’t having any of it.
“I think what you need is a bit of meat,” he said, “call up to the office after 11.” With that he disappeared off into the distance on the running machine.
Intrigued, I was conjuring up images of one of Ernan’s big juicy T-bone steaks which were so lovingly described in these pages recently. I could hardly wait until 11.
Arriving at the expansive offices of the ‘Wee Times’ I presented myself to the editor and was disgusted to be handed a jar of Bovril. “This stuff is the business,” he said, “take it twice a day for a week and you’ll soon be writing as well as I do.”
D’you know what?
It’s marvelous stuff that Bovril, just look at the quality of my writing now! But the best thing, and I don’t think he even noticed it, was that when I opened the jar I discovered I’d won a weekend away to a ‘Major Irish City’. Ha!
Normally it’s terrible having a birthday just after Christmas, no one has any money, they’re all miserable with their New Year resolutions and no one will celebrate with you. I decided to head off myself and maybe I’d find a fellow traveller who wasn’t bamboozled by the latest ‘de-tox’ craze.
D’you know what?
This ‘de-tox’ stuff is pure daft, drinking all that ‘pure’ water, constantly running to the toilet and flushing it away with more good council water. Is the world gone mad?
Speaking of toilets, while I was sojourning in the so-called ‘Major Irish City’ I had occasion to answer the call of nature in a well known hotel and came across this riddle. Riddle I said!
You are walking down a corridor and come to two doors. There is a sign pointing at the doors marked ‘Toilets’. Both doors have a small framed mirror on them each with an etching. The etching on one door seems to be of the three wise men and on the other an etching which looks somewhat like Lady Godiva. Now, as my gender has been ‘clarified’ to the satisfaction of the editor, which door should I go through?
I’m thinking you all said “the one with Lady Godiva” - well that’s what I thought myself - and in I went. Very nice it was too, beautifully decorated and maintained. The lights came on as I entered, I waved my hand at the cistern and it flushed, I waved my hand at the taps and they almost washed them for me. Isn’t technology amazing, I was thinking to myself, and just then I looked up into the mirror and over my shoulder I saw something which I had only read about in books.
After recovering from my near-death experience, I ran out so fast the automatic door couldn’t keep up with me.
D’you know what?
The toilet behind the ‘Lady Godiva’ door had urinals! Thanks be that none of the men around were de-toxing. I had a narrow escape!
Needing a cup of strong tea to recover, I headed to a nearby restaurant and asked the girl for a pot of tea for one. She handed me a bowl-sized cup and dropped a tea bag into it. Accepting that the bowl was probably the size of a teapot I said nothing and shuffled along expecting to meet a boiling water dispenser. It couldn’t be that all the water had been sold off to the ‘de-toxers’ could it? Approaching the cash desk, my panic was rising, so I enquired politely after the hot water. I was abruptly handed a teapot full of hot water. Well, where I’m from the tea bag goes into the pot before the water. Perhaps I should have ordered a Bovril?
D’you know what?
While I was away, I was listening to the local news and heard that doctors and nurses in the city hospitals are getting re-training in a strange new epidemic which is sweeping the nation. From what I’ve observed, the town of the legendary Four Masters will not be immune for much longer. This terrible affliction is normally only seen by mountain rescue teams and St. Bernard dogs. What am I on about you are wondering - Urban Hypothermia it’s called - and apparently it’s caused by the wearing of these ‘muffin-tops’ by all the young lassies of the day.
Now a muffin-top is where there is an expanse of flesh visible between the bottom of the top and the top of the bottom. You must have seen it if you are out at all after dark. In my day we were always advised to “keep your kidneys covered” and they weren’t talking about the ones in the fridge for tomorrow’s dinner.
Urban hypothermia is a greater risk to health than bird-flu according to some experts - although it may lead to a lot of birds getting the flu in its own way if you ask me.
D’you know what?
I still haven’t written that ‘proper’ book review. I’ll stick this episode under the editor’s door and try to avoid him for another couple of weeks. More soon…

Rt Rev Philip Leslie (Diocese of Alla & Roscatt) checks out the dimensions of a guest at the wedding, Daphne Mahon

Brian Kennedy

Ireland’s 2006 Eurovision entrant Brian Kennedy has never played in Donegal Town - but this omission will be rectified at a concert in the Abbey Hotel on Easter Monday night.

Abbey Staff night

Girls Aloud: Back: Patricia & Leanne Front: Jennifer, Aisling, Annette, Isabelle & Tanya

New Welcome Signs for Donegal Town

On Friday 27th of January, the Tidy Towns Committee, a sub committee of Donegal Town Community Chamber installed 3 new “Welcome to Donegal” signs at Clar, Drimark and Tullyearl. Three new signs were put in place with funding from Donegal Peace 11 task force body and were supplied and erected by McMonagle Stone (Mountcharles). There will be an official unveiling of the stones in the near future.

Dinny hits the jackpot

Fine Gael Deputy, Dinny McGinley, ranked fourth for Dail expenses claimed last year. The Donegal South TD received €80,992 over and above his salary of €87,000, almost doubling his income.

Sewerage Scheme

The Donegal Town Sewerage Treatment Plant and Foul Sewerage Collection System could take up to three years to complete says Donegal County Council. Councillor Terence Slowey questioned the completion of the Treatment Plant and Collection System at last Monday’s Council Meeting in Lifford.
He was told the project, which involves construction of a main pumping station, a sludge treatment centre and further network extensions to development will be implemented subject to funding being secured from developers and the Department of Environment Heritage and Local Government.

Magee sponsor IRFU

Lynn measures up Peter Stringer and Gordon D'arcy

Magee clothing of Donegal and Kennedy & McSharry of Nassau St, Dublin, have teamed up as the new formal wear partners to the Irish Rugby Team and management. Magee are the official formal wear suppliers acting through Kennedy & McSharry who will be the formal wear outfitters.
In advance of the Six Nations championships which kicked off on February 4th with Ireland defeating Italy, the IRFU signed the three year deal. Each member of the IRFU team and management has received a bespoke tailored suit created by Magee and supplied by Kennedy & McSharry.
This is a move welcomed by Kennedy & McSharry and a progression for Magee as this year they signed Irish rugby International Gordon D’Arcy as the face of Magee. The company also signed up as official formal wear sponsors of the Munster Rugby Team.
The management of the team was involved in every aspect of the tailoring from the fabrics, colours and cuts of the suits. According to Lynn Temple, Chairman of Magee “The personal tailoring story is an ideal fit for the Irish Rugby contingent - size tends to be an all too familiar problem with players as neck, arm, thigh sizes tend to be unusual.
“Over the years Magee has built a strong and fruitful relationship with Kennedy & McSharry and we are delighted to be involved with the growing success of the IRFU which emulates the success of these two businesses.”
Kennedy & McSharry, Nassau Street has been expanding its customer base both at home and abroad.
“The company prides itself on being complete men’s outfitters with a wide selection of quality fashion labels, both from home and abroad. This tailoring service offers a range of garments and fabrics to complement all body shapes and sizes and we are delighted to develop our partnership with Magee and build a new one with the Irish rugby team” said Tony McSharry.

Burns Night in Harvey's Point

McGlone sisters, Eilish and Roisin with Richard Hurst in their tartans

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