I was talking to LULU the dog in the bath the other day. Yes, in the bath. Lulu and I often hop in the tub. I pet her on the head. Whoosh! She starts wagging her tail and I have an instant jacouzzi! Or possibly dogouzzi. Anyway I was saying to Lulu - Isn’t yer man Michael Jackson badly misunderstood. They accuse him of having plastic surgery just because somebody on the TV documentary spotted a couple of plastic buckets in his kitchen. Sure don’t we all know the buckets were for hanging over the childrens’ heads when their nylon scarves are being washed.
As for him holding poor wee Blanket over the balcony. Michael had no intention of dropping him and, if he did, I wonder would Philomena Begley have re-released ‘Blanket on the ground’.
By the way LULU the dog is a bitch. There’s nothing queer about mise.
NO TRUTH
A very important person from the IRFU has categorically denied that the IRFU has been approached by the GAA about the possibility of holding the All Ireland Finals at Lansdowne Road. It is felt by some of the GAA council that the facilities at Croke Park are much too good for the type of supporter that is using the stadium. A GAA source says that the rundown ruins of Lansdowne Road would be a much better match. The need for a change has been accelerated by the success of Armagh in 2002. Our source added that if the gurriers from Armagh or Dublin are going to wreck a stadium, why not let them wreck a stadium that is already wrecked.
Our very important person from the IRFU has refuted all these allegations. “We have an excellent stadium”, he asserted, adding “it is a source of envy in many other rugby playing countries such as Namibia and the Solomon Islands. We had intended to upgrade some of the facilities but we are still waiting for the grant that the Taoiseach Mr. Cosgrove promised us in 1942.”
GET IT RIGHT, BOYS
Great news on the local Donegal front. The Donegal toilet awards are out next week. Extra marks will awarded this year for the keeping of staff cleaning records. You’ve all seen those cleaning records on the back of the toilet doors. But apparently some staff are not filling in these cards correctly. Some staff are cleaning the toilet every hour and initialling the cards at the time. The correct procedure is to fill in 3 days cards at a time, urinate on the floor and stamp through it. Extra points will be given for ensuring that all toilet windows are kept tightly shut. What’s a wee smell among friends as long as someone doesn’t climb in an open window and steal a handful of toilet paper.
PARABLE OF THE MEEK
I bumped into a local soccer mentor this week.
I asked him would his team have any more bottle this season.
Apparently not.
The bible says the meek are to inherit the earth.
There’s going to be some big landowners in the Donegal League.
WHO NEEDS SADDAM’S WMD
I was saying to LULU the other day - what’s all this fuss about Saddam and the weapons of mass destruction. Haven’t they had chemical toilets in the caravan sites in Rossnowlagh for years and there’s not a word about it.
NOT A PRETTY SIGHT
The good weather has taken the people out in droves onto the street. But there’s some peculiar sights. What makes a young girl parade in a skimpy top with her belly hanging over the waistband of her trousers. Is this supposed to be attractive? Added to that some of the girls have backsides on them that would turn a sumo wrestler green with envy. Come on girls, slim down.
NAPPY TALE
A few weeks ago I headed for the toilet block in Foyleside in Derry. There was a huge notice on the door ‘FATHER CHANGING FACILITIES’. I wandered in half expecting to see some auld boy having his trousers taken down by his 40 year old son - but no. Apparently the notice means that there are baby changing facilities available in the toilets for fathers.
Indulge me. I may become a regular.
